"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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