I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
