i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
