Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
