I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She yelled “outlaw country†right before we heard the police siren
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