well you can't waste a boner
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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