listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
