I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
