Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hippo gnu deer
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
