we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
