Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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