What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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