3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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