That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
