Pappa wants mamma naked
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
