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Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
