Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
