remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
