Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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