I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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