You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize