oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize