How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
