fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
