my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
