There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
