We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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