I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize