The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
