Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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