false alarm. still invincible.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
