he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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