does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
