so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
