You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize