May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
