i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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