I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
