Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
