I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
