she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
