If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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