I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
