All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
