Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
