I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
