i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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