Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
