I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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