I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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