Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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