@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
