is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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