I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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