My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My vagina just clenched in fear
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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