John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
