Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
