Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
