Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
